𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓭𝓪𝔂 𝓘 𝓭𝓲𝓮𝓭

   I still remember the day of my death. In the most ironic way, summer was laughing at my sorrow cheerfully, holding the sun up above the sky and it would shine brighter than some other days. The heat was almost suffocating, the air that I was breathing was warm and as it entered my nostrils the warmth turned into ice cold inside my lungs and I felt shivers down my spine. 

  You were there, but from a distance, and you waved your hand at me coldly before you turned your head and walked away, you couldn't even look me in the eyes for the last time. I extended my hand out to the blurry image of your dark shape as you walked away faster than my legs could run and I tried to keep up with you, but the chain suddenly broke and I could no longer feel you touching my soul. The pull that my soul once felt towards yours changed like two magnets that are polar opposites to each other and it pushed me back as I fell on my knees and I sobbed, warm tears turned into ice once they lingered down my cheeks and left a trace of cold sadness on my warm skin. I felt something tearing inside me, but my vitals, my organs were fine. They were still functioning properly to keep alive this body that had a bleeding soul. How absolutely amazing this body is for choosing to fight even when all you feel is death crawling through your veins, making a home inside your head as it waits for the right time to strike.

I did not know at the time what was happening, I did not know that I was about to die, but I felt it all. As the claws of my own love for you pierced through my soul, it tore my soul into half and ran away with it after you, leaving me hollow and bleeding. It knew where to find you, but I didn't, I could no longer feel you as you slowly took everything that was once dedicated to you. No matter how much I screamed and pleaded with the universe, how much I tried to fight I couldn't stop dying, I couldn't bring you back..

  How fast you changed my world.. How the birds stopped singing beautiful songs, the petals of my roses covered the ground like a rug of death as they withered, the sky became dark and I could feel a thunderstorm of emotions was about to pour down my soul and fill it some more with the memories of you. How I can't open my eyes because I see you in everything that is surrounding me and everything that I once was and I would feel this lump in my throat before I would begin to cry silent tears. Ah, nobody knows just how much you took of me when you left and I am grieving every ounce of myself that was leaving me daily, I am grieving the future that, up until I met you, I never really looked forward to and now that you're gone I have to face the fact that it was never going to happen. How 'What could have been' turned into 'What can never be' in seconds and I was forced to accept the fact that love was not enough to make you stay. 

I will always wonder.. What is ever enough? If two strangers who have fallen madly in love for each other, connected their souls into one. Two bodies, one soul, masculine and feminine energy building a world only they could see and reach for, stepping into their own heaven, together, holding hands as they smile at each other where they felt at peace. Where love was no longer scary because we loved even the darkest parts of each other, especially the darkness inside us and it felt right. Ah, God.. I could feel it in my bones just how right you were for me and how you caressed my soul with your gentle love in a way that no other could. One touch from you and I could melt under the sky, my mind would become nothing but quiet and my soul would find peace in your presence. Your laugh, the tone of your voice and the way it would vibrate energy into my ears brought tears into my eyes. It made me feel like I achieved something great as your pained eyes and your sadness was washed away when you would laugh from the ends of your being. And you deserved it. All of it. You deserved all of my love, all of the happiness that I was trying to give you and how much more I wanted to give you for as long as my days were on this Earth, only God knows about it..

  Memories are all that I have left of you now. They keep you alive as well as my heart will continue to be your home for as long as I lived and I still remember the taste of your love on my lips. I was never ready to part ways with you. A shadow of the man, the only soul I loved and connected so deeply, the one that I took a leap of faith into the scary aspect of this world and I let myself fall knowing you might not catch me. Yet, you were all worth it. The pain, the pleasure and the love, whatever you'd give me I would take with such grace and turn it into a beautiful flower for my garden of reasons why I loved you. I'd water them with my love that poured from my eyes as I looked into your sky-like gaze that pierced my soul and all I could feel that I was content. 

Now, all of that is gone. I find myself wanting to sleep more often than I would want to exist in a world without you. When I close my eyes I can see you. I can hear your favorite songs playing in my ears as you're right there next to me and you hold me in your strong arms as if you would never want to let me go again. The tighter you hold me, the more I want to drift off into my dreams and escape whatever is left of my reality. 

  The day I died was not when I took my own life, I had an accident or I died from a deadly disease. The day I died was when you parted ways with me in such a sudden way that I could not comprehend it. That's when I stood there, at the edge of the cliff and I felt the heavyness of your loss pushing me into the nothingness. I fell as I made contact with the sorrow of the deep and mysterious ocean of loss that, in a very cruel way, stabbed me with a sharp, cold silver knife. The more I was fighting to stay alive, the more I sank into the depths of my new reality until I no longer fought. The unbearable pain made me scream, but they were silent to the deaf ears of those that were around me, sinking and my lungs were filled with an agonizing pain and for a while that's all I felt until I became quietly numb. My limbs were no longer heavy and neither was the rest of my body. My eyes looked up to see the light for the last time that failed to penetrate the surface of my thick gates as I got swallowed to the depths of an ocean that was going to keep my death a secret like many others. That day I died, my eyes remained wide open as if they would still seek for you, for a sign or a hand that's yours to reach and grab me from the pits of Hell and pull me back into the Heaven we once built together. I will forever seek you, until my eyes can no longer stay open and my soul leaves the surface of Earth, I will look for you as you were my only home.