𝓖𝓸𝓸𝓭𝓫𝔂𝓮, '𝓢𝓾𝓰𝓪𝓻'

 I suppose I never really took the time to say goodbye to you, Sugar. 

[Do you remember the love nickname you gave me: 'Sugar' ? Sometimes you'd call me 'Dust' because of your autocorrector and how we'd laugh together about this little, silly thing. Sleep Token - Sugar, many people use that song as just an ordinary, cool song but, to me, each time I hear it I remember where you first took insight from to call me such. It was not just the song that reminded you of how 'we' started but also just how sweet our love was.]

From a hate to love game to a lustful and prideful game, eventually both realizing we were both falling into deeper waters than what met the eye. 

 I am not sure how or when I've came to put a stop to my 'whys' and 'hows' on what you've done to me and to others but, I've came to accept your absence and make friends with the ghost memory of you that made it's nest into my every day of this life. 

Or so.. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not wondering anymore about your adventures, about your well being or who you hold dear to your heart right now. I'm lying to myself, trying to put down the flame that still burns with curiousity and desire for you, to still know you, to still feel you, somehow..

The questions flood my mind like an imense amount of suffocating feeling and it fills me with the need to reach out to whatever left to nothing remained of you..

'Why did you do this to me?'

'Was I.. not good enough for you to fight harder for us?'

'Was I too suffocating?'

'Was I too impulsive and difficult?'

'Did you ever even love me at all?'

'Why was I stripped of a one last conversation with you?'

'What was in your mind and heart after you left?'

'Did you look back? At least a little bit?' 

'Did you fight the urge to want to run back and fix things?'

'Or was it just that easy to let it all go?'

'Were you aware of the damage that you were about to do on the souls of those who loved you?'

'Were you aware of how much you were actually loved and admired by them?'

'Did you.. plan all of this?'

'Are you still thinking about me..?'

'Or was I so easy to forget?'

'Did you feel it too? The soul tearing itself into pieces after losing it's meaning into it's lover's eyes?' 

You've never really said goodbye to me. The last interaction we have had I still remember how you reached for me and coiled your big arms around my waist, you pulled closer and you kissed me slowly before you never talked to me again. It felt bittersweet. It was your way of saying goodbye because you could not bring yourself to look into my eyes and tell me you're leaving. It was your way of letting me go because you knew I did not deserve any of that. And maybe I should thank you for releasing me from all of that pain. Perhaps if you had been a little more selfish and held on to me longer, you would've made me suffer deeper when the time for you to leave was to come. A part of me feels like this was a hard decision for you to make too, but it was the only way you saw right. 

The other part of me wishes you would've fought a little harder. But I can understand why you didn't. It angers me. It angers me that I still try to find you excuses, to understand you and why you did it.. I'm still trying to find a reason, to cling to something that would tell me I meant something to you.

 I do know one thing for sure along all of those questions that were left unanswered, I kept my word. I've always told you I loved you deeply, I've always told you I will always love you despite how many seasons pass and how many years start to show on my fragile skin. I'd always tell you that my love for you would remain. I can see why you'd not believe it, I can see it.. each time your name is mentioned on the lips of those whom you've hurt deeply. I can see their eyebrows draw into a pained or angry frown, I can hear the hate in the tone of their voices. Everybody despises you for what you have done. I've stopped saying your name out loud to them because you're nothing but a painful memory they wish they could erase forever..

I've come to terms with the sad reality that you might have not loved me as much as you claimed you had, that I might have been the only one who loved you more than you loved me. But I wish you'd come back, I wish you'd look back because I want to tell you everything that I've seen, heard and realized those months you've been gone. 

Truth is, in the eyes of many I might seem mad or even naive, delusional maybe. But what kind of love is that which changes as quickly as the weather? What kind of love would I have carried for you if I switched from love to hate so easily? No, Sugar.. I loved you unconditionally. I loved you and I did not want anything from you in return but to know that. 

I wish you I could tell you that:

 When I first met your soul I instantly knew we were both from the same fires of Hell, we were both drowning in the same holy waters of our long lost innocence and the angressive waves of our oceans pushed and pulled from darkness through light, from light through darkness. It was never perfect, the white became stained and so all sorts of shades of greys poured down the canvas, two chaotic messes being torn apart by their own existances. You wanted to punish out of the depths of unfair existance and I wanted to be punished for existing at all. Everything you threw at me I'd just take it and love it and you'd keep me safe in your presence, you'd keep me stable, you'd keep my darkness tamed like an obedient beast in a cage. It felt good to be at peace with myself, it felt safe to know you were in my shadows, always following me and keeping me away from everything that was trying to take a bite out of me. 

Finally, I was able to lay down and rip open my chest, reveal my naked soul to the sun, moon and galaxies in your eyes without fear or judgement. Every horrible thing that you were, I was. Every good thing that you had, I strived to be. I want to thank you for that. 

 As basic as this sounds, I want to thank you for choosing to come into my life. I want to thank you for making me feel like I belonged, for making me feel like a woman who had a protector by my side, I want to thank you for teaching me what admiration, passion, obsession, possesion, love, divinity felt like. I want to thank you for breaking me apart and for murdering everything that no longer served me.

Perhaps, you don't even know the depths of which your existance have reached mine and perhaps, in another universe my old self is living the dreams and future we always talked about together. Who I was still loves you deeply and longs for you, but who I am now does not love you as a lover anymore. I love you as the most precious being and the most precious life-changing lesson the stars have delivered to me. I love you so much I will forever cherish everything of which you have given me and I will continue to grow and rid of the limitations that my old self could never give up on. 

 Sugar, no matter what everybody else says, I will always be grateful for everything we have experienced together. If it was not for you, I would have not been all of those amazing things that I am now. I want to thank you for guiding me through a better version of myself, I want to thank your soul for making a contract with mine to help it evolve into something higher than what it was. I hope that I was also able to change something in your evolution as a spirit, as a divine being and as for this life.. I hope somewhere you still think of me when a good thing happens and I want you to know I am happy for you. I am proud of you. Be kind to yourself.. and don't beat yourself down. You were not only my lover, you were my guide, my fatherly figure, my new relationship standard, you were the Universe talking to me, pushing me to do better for myself.. 

 The last thing I'd do if you ever came back.. I'd give you a hug, a very tight, long and warm hug. Life was not easy on you to have brought you to do the things you've done and I, myself, know the taste of that hardships. I've forgiven you plenty of times already and I forgive you over and over again. 

 Sugar, be the man I know you can be to the next person you choose to love. Be the kind of man you wish your father would've been for you and your mother. Be the kind of human you wish the world would have more of. 

 Sugar, I choose to see you like this and make peace with this kind of version of you. I choose to not think bad of you or put you in a label and I choose to understand your darkness rather than hate you for it. 

Sugar, it's time for me to really let you go.. 

Sugar, I.. can't hold on to your ghost anymore. 

Sugar.. I've suffered long enough and I can't allow you to haunt me any longer..

Sugar.. Your 'Sugar' died the moment you choose to let her go.

Sugar.. I'm watching your hand slowly slip from my grip as I'm slowly loosening it up..

Sugar.. The warmth of your hand left me and I no longer feel you anymore..

Sugar.. Even though I know I'll hear your voice in every thunderstorm..

Sugar.. Even though I know I'll feel you in every drop of rain..

Sugar.. Even though I am aware of everything..

I choose to let you go, I choose myself this time.. 

And perhaps, even if I say this right now.. I know that I will never forget you, I know that I can never truly unloved you or remove you from my past..

But I also know and accept that you've made a choice and that choice did not include me.

Sugar.. this is truly.. 

My last.. Goodbye.. 

                                                                                                                               From, Sugar.